By: Hibbah Ayubi
When you hear the term ‘abuse’ what do you imagine? Chances are you’re picturing a physical confrontation between a couple, a violent scene resulting in bruises, black eyes, or busted lips—tangible things that we can see and feel, things that can be used as proof in the eyes of the law.
However, abuse is not limited to physical assault or romantic relationships, an abusive relationship—romantic, platonic, or familial—leaves the victim with a lot of scars we can’t see, sometimes only scars we can’t see. But, even if the abuser in question never lays a hand on their victim, it does not absolve them of other controlling and manipulative behaviour, and it does not mean that they are not, in fact, abusive.
Psychological abuse is when someone manipulates, coerces, degrades, or otherwise controls their victim, often resulting in psychological trauma, such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc. A common abuse tactic involves isolating a victim from any existing support network they have, such as their family, friends, significant other, and even coworkers.
Within the framework of a romantic relationship, abusers may plant seeds of doubt in the minds of their victims, anything from offhandedly mentioning faults they noticed in their loved ones, to outrightly proclaiming their hatred and disgust of them. They’ll often tell their victim not to bother with other people, that they should be spending all their time focusing on their relationship anyways.
When their partner goes out with friends and family, they’ll try to stop them from going, or they’ll constantly ‘check-in’ on them, ask what they’re doing, interrogate their partner, and manage to centralize themself without even being there, and all the while they’re make their disapproval of the entire thing known.
Eventually, they make it so their victim is too anxious to go out with their friends because of this behaviour, so the victim starts to decline invitations, and eventually their friends stop asking.
Aside from just isolating them from loved ones, an abuser will be constantly monitoring their victim. Constantly calling and texting them whenever their partner is not with them, and becoming angry when they don’t receive an immediate response. They want information on where their victim is, what they are doing, and who they are with on a 24/7 basis.
Abusers often accuse victims of cheating on them or flirting with other people with no proof or real basis—this is often done as a means of making their victim feel guilty, restricting their victim from going out without them, isolate them from their support network, and justify their constant monitoring, as well as having full access to their texts, contacts, social media, etc.
Sometimes an abuser will become cold and withdrawn from their victim without cause, they will neglect to offer emotional support or reassurance, even making passive aggressive comments towards them. This hot and cold treatment serves to make the victim feel inadequate, as if they are continuously doing something wrong but they don’t know what it is. The victim feels as though they are walking on eggshells, waiting for the switch to flip again.
Abusers work to destroy their victim’s self-esteem and trust in their own judgement. They’ll gaslight their victim, by trivializing their feelings and emotions, lie about the victims experience and their own actions even when confronted with proof, insist they never said or did things they previously did, and belittle their victim’s needs and concerns. They’ll shift the narrative away from their own bad actions, and instead paint a picture of a partner who is highly erratic, emotional, and sensitive. They’ll make the victim question their own reality and make them feel guilty and apologize for things they didn’t do.
If their victim is not already financially dependent on the abuser, the abuser will work to make them financially dependent on them, giving reasons for why the victim should quit their job—if not outright forbidding them to work—and insisting they’ll take care of the finances. Abusers might sabotage the victims current job, or sabotage any job prospects to ensure the victim’s reliance on them.
Financial abuse restricts a victim from working, restricts their access to funds and assets, and diminishes their ability to make household decisions. An abuser might give their victim an allowance only to diminish it as time goes by—or they may withhold it from the victim in response to ‘bad behaviour’, or in exchange for something. Often, the abuser will lord finances over their victims head, using the fact they financially support the victim to degrade them, despite refusing to allow the victim the opportunity to be financially independent.
Despite not being commonly spoken about, financial abuse is one of the most common tactics employed by abusers, with research suggesting it occurs in 99% of all domestic violence relationships. Financial abuse traps the victim, by not allowing them access to any funds, they feel as though they have to stay with their abuser because they’re unsure how they would support themselves if they left—an emotion that is fighter complicated when the victim has children.
And it doesn’t stop at controlling their finances, abusers make victims feel tied down to them through emotional and verbal abuse. The victim’s desires and wants—when not being ignored—are belittled and degraded. Everything from a victim’s looks, to their personality, to their hobbies, interests, and aspirations are laughed at. Abusers make their victims believe they’re unable to accomplish anything on their own, and even make it seem as though their abuser is doing them a favour by being with them. A common phrase abusers use is “Nobody else is going to love you (like I do),” or “Nobody else is going to put up with you.” They make their victim feel like they’re a burden, so regardless of how horribly their abuser treats them, the victim will stay, either because they blame themselves for their abuser’s behaviour and believe they are deserving of the mistreatment, or because they believe this is their only chance at love.
Even without physically harming their victim, they’ll still show their violence and rage in other ways—slamming doors, throwing things, and breaking property in a show of anger and dominance to make their victim feel afraid. They might even rush at their victim, get right in their face, yell at them, and threaten to leave them, hit them, or even kill them.
In fact, abusers often use threats of violence to keep their victims ‘inline.’ Aside from just threatening to harm the victim, the abuser may threaten to harm the victim’s family, or even themselves (the abuser) if the victim tries to leave them. This puts the victim in a difficult situation, where they feel as though they have to comply with whatever their abuser says, or else they’ll be responsible for the subsequent harm that befalls them. Let us make this clear here and now: You are not responsible for the actions of other people, and even if your abuser does cause themselves harm, it is still not your fault.
It’s important to change how we view and treat abuse cases. Many victims feel hesitant or unable to label the mistreatment they went through as abuse because their abuser—whether they be a romantic partner, friend, parent, or sibling—never physically harmed them, but 80% of American women who entered the criminal justice system due to physical abuse by a romantic partner, reported the relationship was preceded with psychological abuse.
Whilst psychological abuse does not always lead to physical abuse, you would be hard-pressed to find a physically abusive relationship that did not entail psychological abuse. But why should a relationship have to reach that point? Why should a victim have to wait until their abuser hits them for them to be seen as an abuser? And, if their abuser never causes them physical harm, should the victim not be allowed to see and call out their mistreatment for what it is?
With so many women and girls facing abuse in their lifetimes, it’s important we educate ourselves on the different ways abuse can manifest in relationships, so that we are able to better protect and support victims, and hold their abusers accountable for their crimes—because that’s what psychological, emotional, financial, and verbal abuse is: a crime, and we need to start treating it as such.
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